I am feeling every range of emotion as I prepare to make room in my heart and in my mind for another child. I have absolutely no doubt that I will love Alder immensely and that I will adore watching him and Aiden become buddies, but when I look into my firstborns eyes I can only help feel I am betraying him a little.
For 2 years, he has been my focus. His every need has been put before mine.
My face is the first one he sees when he wakes up and the last one he sees before he falls asleep.
I know exactly what to do to help him feel better when he is sad and know what to say to make him laugh one of his big belly laughs.
I can decipher his funny little phrases and I know what he wants before he asks for it.
Right now, I can drop what I'm doing and bake cookies when he requests it.
I can pick him up and hold him for a nap when he isn't feeling well.
I can bring him in to bed with me to snuggle for a few extra minutes when we are both not quite ready to start the day yet.
I can hold him on my lap and read book after book as he requests them.
And his little world is about to be rocked. Just typing that I feel guilty and my eyes fill with tears.
But I know I'm not the first Mom to go through this and Aiden is not the first child who has to learn to share his parents. I know that this will be a hard season of learning to balance, but I also know it will have many joy filled moments. There will be a day when Aiden won't remember life before Alder. I also pray that there will be a day that he will thank me for giving him his best friend.
So for now I am praying for Aiden's heart. That he will continue to feel so very loved and that he will embrace his role as big brother. That we will learn what works for us and that I will be able to both hold on tightly to this sweet time and let it go.
And now I'm going to go hold Aiden and rock in the corner as I cry...haha.
But really, that's where I'll be.
Mom life at it's finest.