I really wasn't sure I would ever blog about my journey, but I'd rather share than hold it in because one thing that helped ease the pain was knowing I wasn't alone in what I was going through.
Drew and I started "trying" in July of 2013 so I was ecstatic when I took a pregnancy test that October and it was positive. I sank to my knees and cried. I was so incredibly happy. I told my husband by presenting him with a "family" of pumpkins the next day and soon our minds turned to our future as a family of 3.
Sitting there waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the nurse to tell you something, anything was painful. Then the nurse said aloud the dreaded words "I need to go get the doctor now." Sitting next to your husband at your first ultra sound should be thrilling, but for us it was terrifying. From the moment the nurse said those words I just knew in my heart that things were not going to go the way we had been dreaming.
The doctor came in and told us that there was no heartbeat. That the gestational sac where the embryo develops was empty. It was anembryonic pregnancy, which I found out more about later. She said it was nothing that I had done and then everything else blurred into the background. I felt so incredibly empty on so many levels after hearing those words. Everything I had been planning in my head about our baby was stripped away from me in one instant.
The next few weeks were some of the hardest days I have ever experienced. My mind wanted to dwell on questions like Is something wrong with me? And Will this happen to me again? But I knew I couldn't stay in that place. We told our families what had happened and love was poured out on me in so many ways that week. I am so thankful to be surrounded with such an amazing family and a husband who would do anything to see me smile. Then this is what I read in my daily devotional as I was desperately seeking comfort.
November 19th, 2013 (Jesus Calling)
Leave outcomes up to me. Follow Me wherever I lead without worrying about how it will all turn out...You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven. So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.
The reference verse was Psalms 27:13-14, which again directly spoke to my heart:
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Looking back on my story, this is a part of my journey, a part of who I am today. Would I choose to go through it again? Probably not. But did it make me a stronger person. Yes.
If you are going through a hard time (pregnancy related or not) I would recommend reading the books below to help you gain perspective. Regardless of what you are going through God loves you and hates seeing you hurting and whether or not you want to hear it you are blessed, but we live in a broken world and we aren't promised a life without trials. God loves you more than you can imagine. He is always faithful even if things don't turn out the way we plan.
Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
(Thank you Katie for recommending this one to me. I am forever thankful.)
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson
The October after my miscarriage (almost exactly a year later) my sweet Aiden was born. My pregnancy with Aiden was amazing. At times I was nervous and extremely scared, but I could only trust and wait. I was so thankful for every kick, every hiccup, every doctor's appointment where I got a good report. Aiden has been a bright light in our lives in a dark time. His birth could not have come at a more perfect time.
God knows what He is doing. Leave the outcomes up to Him.
I also found so much comfort in reading many of your stories. If any of you need to share a story that is on your heart I am here to talk to you or pray for you. You are not alone in this.
There is always hope.