Come Sail Away

The original reason for us planning our beach vacation was to be together as a family for the year anniversary of my father in law's passing. We all knew it would be a day we would want to be together so we planned to go to the beach that my father in law vacationed on as a kid to spread his ashes. We thought he would love it if a part of him belonged in the ocean that he loved so much as a child. The captain of our boat took us out to a beautiful spot with a bell buoy that chimed in the background as we sent him off. It was perfect.

We cried a lot, but we also laughed as we shared some of our favorite Terry stories. Then we all took a shot of Jack Daniels (my father in law's drink of choice) as we listened to "Come Sail Away" blast through the speakers of our sailboat.

I questioned whether or not to even bring my camera on the boat not knowing if this was something I would feel up to taking pictures of, but these pictures tug at my heart as I look back at them. Each one tells a story of bravery, of courage, of sadness, but also of hope. The family Terry left behind is a strong one and is one filled with so much love. I know he is proud of them all.

We miss you every single day Terry and wish you were still here with us, but I'm so thankful that instead of saying goodbye, that we could say see you later. 

You Are Not Alone {My story of loss and hope}

There are a few couples I have been praying for consistently this past year. They all have one thing in common...they want a child so badly and for one reason or another, can't make that happen right now. For any of you out there who are trying to get pregnant or have dealt with loss during a pregnancy, this post is for you. Not every pregnancy comes easily.

I really wasn't sure I would ever blog about my journey, but I'd rather share than hold it in because one thing that helped ease the pain was knowing I wasn't alone in what I was going through.

Drew and I started "trying" in July of 2013 so I was ecstatic when I took a pregnancy test that October and it was positive. I sank to my knees and cried. I was so incredibly happy. I told my husband by presenting him with a "family" of pumpkins the next day and soon our minds turned to our future as a family of 3.

After our first appointment we just had to sit back and wait a few weeks until we could hear our baby's heartbeat. I was literally counting down the days. I started making lists of potential baby names, made a secret board on Pinterest and started looking at fun ways to tell our families. Then at 8 weeks things went terribly wrong. I started bleeding and I knew immediately that was not a good sign and that something was not right. I googled possible causes and was left terrified. That was on a Friday and I continued spotting the rest of the weekend. On Monday I had to leave in the middle of the school day. I was a mess. Drew left work right away and met me at the doctor's office. We went in for an ultra sound to see if they could find a heartbeat.

Sitting there waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the nurse to tell you something, anything was painful. Then the nurse said aloud the dreaded words "I need to go get the doctor now." Sitting next to your husband at your first ultra sound should be thrilling, but for us it was terrifying. From the moment the nurse said those words I just knew in my heart that things were not going to go the way we had been dreaming.

The doctor came in and told us that there was no heartbeat. That the gestational sac where the embryo develops was empty. It was anembryonic pregnancy, which I found out more about later. She said it was nothing that I had done and then everything else blurred into the background. I felt so incredibly empty on so many levels after hearing those words. Everything I had been planning in my head about our baby was stripped away from me in one instant. 

The next few weeks were some of the hardest days I have ever experienced. My mind wanted to dwell on questions like  Is something wrong with me? And Will this happen to me again? But I knew I couldn't stay in that place. We told our families what had happened and love was poured out on me in so many ways that week. I am so thankful to be surrounded with such an amazing family and a husband who would do anything to see me smile. Then this is what I read in my daily devotional as I was desperately seeking comfort.

November 19th, 2013 (Jesus Calling)

Leave outcomes up to me. Follow Me wherever I lead without worrying about how it will all turn out...You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven. So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.

The reference verse was Psalms 27:13-14, which again directly spoke to my heart:
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Looking back on my story, this is a part of my journey, a part of who I am today. Would I choose to go through it again? Probably not. But did it make me a stronger person. Yes.

If you are going through a hard time (pregnancy related or not) I would recommend reading the books below to help you gain perspective. Regardless of what you are going through God loves you and hates seeing you hurting and whether or not you want to hear it you are blessed, but we live in a broken world and we aren't promised a life without trials.  God loves you more than you can imagine. He is always faithful even if things don't turn out the way we plan.

Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
(Thank you Katie for recommending this one to me. I am forever thankful.)
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson

The October after my miscarriage (almost exactly a year later) my sweet Aiden was born. My pregnancy with Aiden was amazing. At times I was nervous and extremely scared, but I could only trust and wait. I was so thankful for every kick, every hiccup, every doctor's appointment where I got a good report. Aiden has been a bright light in our lives in a dark time. His birth could not have come at a more perfect time.

God knows what He is doing. Leave the outcomes up to Him.

I also found so much comfort in reading many of your stories. If any of you need to share a story that is on your heart I am here to talk to you or pray for you. You are not alone in this.

There is always hope.

A letter to Aiden about his Grandpa {The Bump Week 27}

Due to my father in law's passing, my bump post this week will be a little different...

Dear Aiden,
This past week your Grandpa went to be with Jesus. Even though he won't be here to meet you, you will know him through the family he left behind.

You will know him from your Daddy who looks and acts more and more like your Grandpa every day. 

You will know him from your Aunts and your Grandma in the way that they love you. 

You will hear all the corny jokes your Grandpa used to tell and when you get your first pocket knife and take your first hike your Grandpa will be watching.

You will be exposed to Westerns and cowboy boots because your Grandpa was all about them.

You will take many trips to the Root Beer Stand because your Grandpa loved to eat there and ate there as a young kid. 

You will feel so loved by your family because of how your Grandpa taught them to love each other. So even though you won't get to meet your Grandpa here on Earth you will know him. 

Your Dad and I will make sure to share many stories with you and I hope you ask lots of questions about the kind of man your Grandpa was. We just can't wait to meet you and love on you. You are going to bring this family so much joy.

Love, 
Your Mama

John 14:1-4
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.  In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

          Week 14 Bumpdate                          Week 15 Bumpdate                          Week 16 Bumpdate 

         Week 17 Bumpdate                          Week 18 Bumpdate                          Week 19 Bumpdate 

    Week 20 Bumpdate                          Week 21 Bumpdate                          Week 22 Bumpdate 

    Week 23 Bumpdate                          Week 24 Bumpdate                          Week 25 Bumpdate

Until we meet again...{Terry Renner 7.25.14}

My father in law went to be with Jesus last Friday night after losing his hard fought battle with cancer.

Just typing those words breaks my heart.

Terry's favorite cowboy hat that he wore to our wedding 5 years ago.

Terry has been like a second father to me since I started dating Drew 13 years ago when I was just 16 years old. From the first moment I met him he treated me like I was part of the family. I was always just like another daughter to him even though he already had 3 of his own. I am so thankful for the relationship that we had.

Terry always made everyone laugh. We would go to a restaurant and he'd have our waitress laughing. We would go into a store and he would have the employees cracking up. Even when he went in for his chemo treatments the nurses always looked forward to hearing what he would come up with to make them smile.  He was always pulling pranks and telling corny jokes to lighten the mood.
Terry loved his family and was always over at our house fixing something or checking the air in our tires, making sure that we were okay. He always put his kids first and taught them how to care for others. I am forever thankful to him for raising the most amazing man I know, his son.

I'm glad for the many years I got to spend with Terry, but I am so incredibly sad for the years that he will not be a part of Drew and I's lives and that he will not get to meet his first grandson on this Earth.

I know he would have been the most fantastic grandpa, "Pops" to Aiden. The day we told him he was going to be a grandpa he was absolutely thrilled. I didn't know until recently that he took his grandpa cup around to all our neighbors and shared the news with them. Our neighbor Pat just told me that when Terry came over to tell her that he was going to be a grandpa she thought he had just won a million dollars. That is how excited he was to be a grandpa.

I am sad that he won't be here to welcome Aiden in October. I am sad that he won't be here for Aiden's first Christmas or his first steps, but Aiden will definitely know his grandpa through all of us. Our house is the same house that Terry grew up in so Aiden will grow up in the same room that Terry did as a child. He will play games in the same backyard that Terry did growing up and I pray that he will love people and love life as much as Terry did.

I know missing Terry won't stop after today. I pray that I can love better because of how he loved me and how he loved his family. Thank you Lord for allowing me to know such a wonderful man.

Hold your families tight today and tell them that you love them.
Time with them is precious.

Family: The ties that bind us together

Losing people you love is always hard. Losing a member of your family, a person who you are tied to by blood, by memories, by fate is simply tragic. On New Year's eve my Aunt passed away at the age of 56. Death certainly has a way of making you reflect and making you hold tight to every other person you hold dear. We may not always understand why things happen the way they do, but I'm thankful that I have peace knowing that God is in control. As hard as we might try to figure out why things happen, we simply can not rely on our own understanding. All we can do is hold tight to God's promises. He will never leave us, even in death if we trust in him.

My Aunt was a loving and generous woman. She was always planning out something fun for us to do at family functions and she loved to laugh. She always made sure to tell me how much she loved reading my blog and she absolutely loved talking about her family. While I am so incredibly sad that my Aunt will no longer be with us on this earth, I was blessed to know her and I know she is well taken care of with my grandpa and with Jesus in heaven.

On his way home (11-4-13)

My sweet grandpa went to be with Jesus last night.

I am so incredibly blessed to have had this man in my life for 28 years. He was the type of grandpa that any little girl would have been lucky to have. Even though he lived in another state he was always at every grandparent's day event, every graduation, every birthday party and holiday. He and my grandma would send cards just to tell me how much they loved me or how proud of me they were. He loved his family and he loved the Lord with all his heart. 

This weekend our family gathered together from all over to say their goodbyes. Even though my grandpa was tired and weak he made sure to tell each grandchild how much he loved them. He always knew how to make us all feel special. 

Driving in on Saturday I wasn't sure what to expect. My mom had been with him for a few days and said he wasn't very responsive, but what I walked into that afternoon I will never forget. My grandparent's pastor had come to visit and when Drew and I walked in my grandparent's room my aunts, grandma and the pastor were circled around my grandpa's bed singing Amazing Grace. What I did not expect to see was my grandpa doing his best to sing with them. That moment was such a gift to me.

While my grandpa will be missed by all of us I am so comforted to know that he is happy and free from pain in Heaven. My Aunt Kathy found the letter below while going through some of my grandpa's things from the war. The letter below is the letter he wrote his parents when he found out he was discharged from the service and we thought the message he wrote on the front was so fitting. I know my grandpa was saying these same words last night as he went to be with the Lord.

Remembering Jenny {9.13.03}

Today it has been 10 years since my dear friend Jenny passed away in a car crash. I remember getting the call like it was yesterday. I was a freshman at college only a few weeks in and my world was completely shaken. While I was looking for old pictures for our 10 year reunion slide show I stumbled upon a notebook that Stephanie, Jenny and I passed back and forth in middle school and I started reading and couldn't stop. I was laughing so hard at our code names for boys and our obsession with N'Sync. And did you notice the address on the inside cover? 777 Hotties Drive? Oh middle school...

When the letters in the notebook had ended I flipped through the pages to see if I had missed any and in the very back of the notebook I found the notes to the speech that Stephanie and I wrote for Jenny's funeral. We wrote it as if we were talking to her.  Here is what we wrote....

Dear Jenny,
There are so many reasons why we consider you our best friend. Where do we even begin? From the time we were little girls in Mrs. Lovett's first grade class we were drawn to your engaging smile and nurturing personality.

As we grew older your playful personality always led us from one adventure to another. I remember the time we snuck over to the park without our Mom's permission and we couldn't cover up our secret because you came home with two chipped teeth!

Another big adventure for us as big fifth graders was when you won us a limo ride to McDonalds. We felt so cool and stylish dressed up in our limited too outfits. Speaking of stylish, remember how stylish you were being the only 4th grader with black high tops and pink pumps? Everyone was so tempted to pump your shoes and of course you let them.

Your generosity has always been appreciated whether it meant adopting a grandmother who you invited to all your sporting events or lending an ear to a friend in need. You always know the right thing to say and it's always spoken from the heart.

You could brighten anyone's day even if it meant telling one of your corny jokes. Not only did you make your friends laugh, but you made yourself laugh. My favorite joke of yours was "What did the bird say when it's cage broke" Cheap. Cheap

You always know how to lighten the mood. I'll never forget the night I called you at midnight and the next thing I knew we were on three-way with Cleo the psychic and were charged $40.00 for a five minute phone call.

So many of our happy memories are wrapped up in the time we spent with you. You truly are a blessing. We've been so fortunate to have you in our lives and we will cherish the times we have had together forever. Best friends forever.

Love, Allison and Steph

This was the last note that the 3 of us "exchanged." I miss Jenny and the light she shared with the world. Even though she is not here physically, her legacy carries on. A group of us are getting together at her grave sight this weekend to remember and celebrate her life and I hope we can smile and laugh together because that is what she would want.